I swear, this is the most fun I've had with an English paper since ever. Basically, the assignment was to write a "persuasive" essay about a topic of our choice, doing whatever we wanted rhetorically. I chose to don the persona of a George W. Bush lapdog, a la Stephen Colbert, and see what happened. I've gotten most of the people who've read this to laugh at some point, although that point has differed from person to person. I will caution you right now against taking it seriously. One person to which I showed this began to pick apart my arguments and identify the fallacies. That's not the point. Contrary to the stated goal of the essay, I'm really trying to entertain, not persuade. Please read it and tell me what you think. (Note: My teacher pointed out one grammatical "error" toward the end, but I didn't see a problem with it. I might have come up with a better coordinating conjunction, but I have left it as "but" rather than "yet" in the interests of authenticity.)

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They’re out there, you know. Hundreds of thousands of ravenous wolves just waiting to pounce in and rend the very foundations of our federal government to pieces. They are the terrorists, and they’re after you.

That’s a scary thought, isn’t it? Despite this bleak outlook, there is hope -- because of George W. Bush, the greatest president who ever assumed the office, you have absolutely nothing to fear from the terrorists.

Because of George W. Bush, there has not been a hostile attack on our soil since September 11, 2001.

Because of George W. Bush, Osama bin Laden and his minions in al-Qaida have been thwarted at every stage through the courageous use of wiretapping.

Because of George W. Bush, the once-oppressed Iraqi people are free from the tyranny of Saddam Hussein and are now living in democratic freedom.

Because of George W. Bush, children everywhere are more motivated to learn and succeed on their No Child Left Behind tests.

Because of George W. Bush, the unnecessary position of Surgeon General has been all but abolished, stripping undue power from the overly pessimistic medical community.

Because of George W. Bush, our enemies in North Korea have disarmed their nuclear weapons and have learned that a stick is more powerful without a carrot.

Because of George W. Bush, the Kyoto Protocol has not been adopted in America, protecting us from the imaginary, “sky-is-falling” specter of global warming.

Because of George W. Bush, bold patriots of journalism such as Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, and Ann Coulter are free to speak out and let their voices be heard.

Because of George W. Bush, proven statesmen such as Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and John Ashcroft have had the opportunity to guide our nation’s policies.

Why is George W. Bush so great? He is great because of his down-home, no-nonsense attitude toward leading this great country and his ability to work in the interest of the American people in spite of a hostile and relentlessly obstructionist and partisan Congress. Where others see a bleak, desolate future, he sees not only hope, but success. That kind of leadership is not a common trait in a president. Where opinion polls show a 21% approval rating, he sees 79% of Americans as misunderstanding him, reflecting the immortal words of Emerson, “To be great is to be misunderstood.” What kind of leader can dwell on what others think of him? He must press on, no matter what the odds are, and that is exactly what George W. Bush has done.

He pressed on when he ran for president, fighting court battle after court battle against Al Gore, his stubborn, misguided opponent. Just think of where we would be if he had given up. What might have happened to this country then?

He pressed on when generals such as Eric Shinseki doubted his ability to accomplish his mission in Iraq. That mission has been accomplished, and Shinseki and his followers have been rightfully deposed.

He pressed on when uninformed Americans and an indecisive Congress wanted him to withdraw from that vital and essential battleground in the war on terror, Iraq, after they had already given their approval to conduct the same operation. Those senators wanted this wonderful country to be overrun by the terrorists, but he knew that if we did not fight al-Qaida in Iraq, we would fight them here.

He pressed on when Democrats opposed the suspension of habeas corpus for known terrorists. We are at war, and the terrorists are the enemy. Abraham Lincoln suspended habeas corpus during the Civil War. How is this any different?

He pressed on when nay-sayers insisted upon bilateral negotiations with the villainous North Koreans. Instead, the successful six-party talks have driven North Korea to disarm its nuclear arsenal.

He pressed on when false patriots opposed his constitutional amendment to ban flag-burning. He understood that flag-burning is the most vile and vicious of offenses against this country, and he continues to lead the charge against its so-called “constitutional protection.”

All these and more are reasons why George W. Bush is the greatest president to ever assume the office. The many and various versions of assaults on his ability to govern are absolutely baseless. His detractors cannot even find common ground as to what is wrong with him, but our president has it all together. George W. Bush, I salute you, and I encourage anyone else who is a true American to stand up and salute him with me.

Good enough that it is completely ignored and receives no comments at all on this forum =(. I admit I’m not really into politics all that much, but this was entertaining to read. Though (and you might hate me for saying this XD.), I think it would be better if you exchanged that ‘but’ for a ‘yet’. I re-read that paragraph (to get the flow), and when I came to that sentence, it seemed better when you insert the ‘yet’. Of course, it’s your paper, so if you think it’s better to keep what’s written, there’s nothing wrong with that either.

Sorry I don’t have much else to say (and sorry for the major “bump”). This really was nicely written. Do you have much other work (written) that you’ve done?

Thanks for responding, first of all. When I posted this, I honestly expected nothing. No, I don't really do much other writing unless it's for a class. If you really want to see my writing, scrounge the RP archives. I used to be OK at that, but when I came back after my hiatus, I found I wasn't performing up to my usual standards, so I stopped.

As for that coordinating conjunction, that was the one thing I lost points for. My teacher thought the "but" should have been something else, but he didn't know what. I went through all seven and I thought "but" was the best option. "Yet" to me implies that it is because his detractors can't find anything wrong with him that he has it all together, but to each his own, I guess. Or should I say "yet?" XD

(Yeah, I probably should, but I'm busy laughing at my own joke.)

I remember you joined Rethlyn, actually (haven't seen the older RPs). You really weren't doing too badly, but I guess if you don't feel that doing that sort of thing is for you, there's no point really doing it, haha...I was mainly asking because, if there had been any other works, I'd have been interested in reading them =).

No comment on the joke =p. Makes sense the way you explain it though. I guess it could be either way then =).