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Identine
Prologue


The city was abuzz that day. Banners waving in the air, carrying the joy of those who held them; people were laughing gaily, and the ecstasy could almost be smelt in the midst of the celebration. Museitines were playing cheery songs with fast paces, and many people were bobbing their heads, stepping in rhythm, or dancing along wildly, not caring what one another thought.

There was no real reason for the celebration, but Neocarta was like that. Spontaneous to the end. Literally. No one saw the airships flying overhead, and those who had thought nothing of it. No one could hear the orders going out to the Soldiers blending in with the crowd, checking to see if everything was in order for the plans. No one could smell the odor of what’s fragrance was that of a bonfire.

Not one person, out of the near millions that lived in that enormous city. Not one. No one noticed anything, until the airship opened its hatch… And let the first bomb drop.

The explosion was horrible, streets miles away split open at the sheer energy of it, and an unlucky few fell in, shaken so forcefully that they couldn’t figure out what had happened, and was about to happen, until it was too late. Skyscrapers with Vi-screens attached to the front and offices with Interface boards programmed to their mainframe were razed into large piles of metal, glass, and software.

Screams of terror erupted throughout the city, and the citizens, having for the most part regained their senses, ran to get as far away as they could. The Soldiers were surrounding the city exits, Tsugiai Corporation uniforms brandished for all to see, but no one who saw them, had time to turn around and flee before silver shock bullets were fired from their weapons and stunned in their tracks before falling to the ground, flopped around on their bellies and backs like fish pulled from a stream. The lucky ones—depending on how you looked at it—were the ones who died instantly, no suffering any pain.

The airships overhead continued to drop bombs and gases on the city, almost robotically, not pausing for a moment in their attack; the screams went unheard to the ears of those in the ships, and when a great fire rose from one of their bombs, a twinkled swept their black eyes, shimmering in delight. All but one, whose black eyes were trained on a young girl dressed in a light shade of blue, standing amongst the destruction, yet not running.

Even from high up, that one person could see the long, silky blonde hair that flowed down almost to mid-back, the bow in that cascade of woven gold, and the ragged stuffed bunny she gripped.

His eyes’ vision seemed to switch and the world went blue and data like, odds and ends of various moving graphs and bars moving in different directions. The abnormal sight trained in on her, at the exact same moment she turned around and her eyes met his. Even though the entire world was already a type of cobalt color, that one person could see that her eyes were the same shade of blue as her outfit, but insight of one who looked many years senior sparkled within.

And, with her eyes trained on his, not looking away for an instant, as if she knew that he was there, watching her, the rest of the world seemed to slow down for a moment… and then stop in mid-turn. All that that one person could hear was the sound of their heartbeat and the heartbeat of another, until a gloved hand slapped them on the back and he turned around to face another with black eyes, much like their own.

“Luneth! Haven’t lost you, have we my boy?” a jolly voice boomed, not the right tone at all for one with eyes as cruel and hard as his own. The two seemed the same age, 18 or so, and wore matching black and scarlet uniforms, covered with lightweight, but durable armor that protected only the areas that could be used to kill with a single strike.

Luneth allowed a small smile to make its way onto his pale face. With blonde hair tied into a high ponytail—it’s let down length was to his shoulders, as was the custom around there—and irises as black as the rest of theirs, but with a scattered remnant of gentleness, along with his ivory skin, he appeared a sickly being, but was exactly the opposite, and his friend, Gabriel, knew that well.

“You know me better than that, Gabe. I’m dedicated to the cause, more than any of us.” The words were strong, but the voice that spoke sounded quite soft, another aspect of Luneth that made him far less than the most respected opponent in battle. Two words could be used to describe him to anyone else, words that someone else would use, and those words are: Too soft. And anyone who said that, knew nothing about him.

“I’m well aware of you dedication, Luneth. But you were staring at the window so much, I was afraid you might fall out!” a small laugh greeted that remark, which made the broad grin on Gabriel’s face even broader.

“I’ll try not to worry you next time, my friend, although I did not expect my window gazing to do such.” But, despite what he had said, the youth’s gaze returned to the window, only to find to his dismay, that the girl was gone. Vanished, like the entire city of Neocarta.


It was to be expected though. But she was a pretty little thing. Pity she had to die.
Dragon Brigade
The first thing I’m going to mention is more of a nit-picky thing, but when posting on a forum like this, especially with the black background, try not to use such a bright, white font...It’s a little hard on the eyes, especially when it’s in mass quantities. Alright, now onto advice/suggestions as for the actual content =).

First thing: Paragraph four, sentence one.

QUOTE
The explosion was horrible, streets miles away split open at the sheer energy of it, and an unlucky few fell in, shaken so forcefully that they couldn’t figure out what had happened, and was about to happen, until it was too late.


A bit of a run-on sentence. Personally I would suggest putting a period after “The explosion was horrible”, then the rest is fine as one sentence.

Paragraph five, sentence two.

QUOTE
The Soldiers were surrounding the city exits, Tsugiai Corporation uniforms brandished for all to see, but no one who saw them, had time to turn around and flee before silver shock bullets were fired from their weapons and stunned in their tracks before falling to the ground, flopped around on their bellies and backs like fish pulled from a stream.


I would suggest splitting this up big time, but obviously you can decide if you want to or not (or should I instead suggest, how you think you should split it up...). Here’s what I’d suggest;

“The Soldiers were surrounding the city exist, Tsugiai Corporation uniforms brandished for all to see. No one who saw them had time to turn around a flee before silver shock bullets were fired from their weapons. Stunned in their tracks before falling tot he ground, they flopped around on their bellies and backs like fish pulled from a stream.”

You get the gist of what I did, I think. It’s just too long of a sentence (hence a run-on) otherwise, and can thus get confusing to make sense of without re-reading it. One last thing in that paragraph (this could have just been a typo as well, so forgive me for being so anal retentive, haha) is this, “The lucky ones-depending on how you looked at it-were the ones who died instantly, no feeling any pain.” I’m assuming that’s a typo, but I thought I’d point it out anyway. I’d naturally guess it’s supposed to be ‘not’.

Paragraph six:
QUOTE
The airships overhead continued to drop bombs and gases on the city, almost robotically, not pausing for a moment in their attack; the screams went unheard to the ears of those in the ships, and when a great fire rose from one of their bombs, a twinkled swept their black eyes, shimmering in delight. All but one, whose black eyes were trained on a young girl dressed in a light shade of blue, standing amongst the destruction, yet not running.


Again, long sentences. The first one is fine, but after you place the semi-colon, things get dragged out. “The screams went unheard to the ears of those in the ships, and when a great fire rose from one of their bombs, a twinkled swept their black eyes, shimmering in delight.”

That part slightly confuses me. I guess it’s probably one of those instances where you’re thinking one word, but put a different one down.

I guess that’s the main problem, as I’m reading the rest of this. Overuse of commas is the main issue, which in effect leads to massive run-on sentences. As for the story content, it’s alright, but you’ve put in a few run-on sentences that really take away from it (I’m not really exaggerating, for once in my life), because then the reader has to stop and dissect everything so that it does make sense.

Anyway, I guess that’s all I really have to say at the moment. I don’t mean to make it sound like this was horrible (in case that’s the impression you received via my prior feedback), but it could have been better overall I think. Good ideas in it though, but it was a little hard to follow (and it could be because it was so bright. I don’t mean to zone in on that, but I’ve always had issues when reading large amounts of colored fonts that aren’t white/gray and smaller...If you want to make things bright and fancy, that's where art in general comes in, haha...).

As a last side-note, there are some other words that I think could have been substituted for others, but that, again, doesn’t really hold much on the actual written work (it’s just personal preference, I suppose one would say).

I’m sure you’re getting sick of reading this by now, and I wouldn’t blame you, haha. Those are just some things that I personally think could be worked on, but that doesn’t mean the writing as a whole wasn’t good. Anyway, as this is just a prologue, I assume there is more yet to come, as the title itself is something completely different? (rhetorical question ^^.). I'd be interested in reading more of it as you write it (if you're comfortable sharing, of course), but otherwise good luck with the writing and don't get discouraged =).
Identine
*Brain pain* Owie... >.<

I see what you mean. I'm not much of a professional writer, hell, I'm just glad I knew how to spell the words! *Looks at "twinkled"* Oh... Never mind! xD Thanks for the critique, I really appreciate it, since this story is still the pupa stage.

It may have been a bother to read, but I hope it will get better as I get older! Identine got too much homework, there should be a law against this much for 13 year olds. >.<`
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