Chapter 1: Areth year 3021

As the big bright moon rose in the sky the stars twinkled once or twice as if exchanging words about the events that are about to unfold and the legend that is to be made and placed in the stars.
Somewhere in the universe just outside of the planet Pluto there are six other planets: Seon and Areth, Earths “sister” planets one identical to earth and the other more oceans than land; Shukyo the desert planet; and Topolcal and Xecontria, the dead planet. On the planet Areth, a war wages on between the lord of the under-plains, Kikai; and the leader of the demi-humans and ruler of Areth, Lynx.
Both sides losing men by the thousands; Lynx called to a general named Sirto to come to his side. While atop his Crystal Dragon, he yelled at Sirto for not carrying out his mission: to get ride of the front line so Lynx could go take on Kikai without interference.
“What the hell's the meaning of this?” Lynx asked looking down at the raccoon demi-human.
“Sir, we are loosing men faster than a star can fall. We can’t afford to loose anymore men.” Sirto said with a hint of anger.
Growling, Lynx jumped off his dragon and got into Sirto’s face. “I don’t give a rat’s a** just do it! We can loose men but we can’t loose Areth to the likes of them! Now get out there and get ride of the front line or ill personally kill you and feed you to the Chimeras!” likes said, his words dripping with anger and truth. He got back on his dragon and took to the skies.
Though afraid and irritated as he was Sirto still valued his life, and did what he was told. He called for Rotoga, the fox demi-human. Sirto told him that they we’re going in to get ride of Kikai’s front line.
“This is insane! That’s half the able guys we have.” Rotoga said. “Lynx can be careless sometimes but he knows what he’s doing and he’s right. He can’t get to Kikai with the front line. So let’s go!”
They gather 20 men and formed a line and took out the front line easier than expected. As the last of the men were slain Lynx came crashing down from his dragon in the sky, he grinned.
“I hate it when he does that.” Rotoga said, shuddering he backed far away from Lynx and Kikai.
Kikai atop his black demon horse he grinned and ordered the rest of his men to stay back (which was only like 50 hundred) and he got of his horse. Kikai stood his ground, stretching out his right hand and beckoning his rival forward. Lynx took a step forward his yellow green eyes glowing, fur rising, claws and fangs growing longer.
Kikai knowing what was going to happen took a step back. ‘What’s happening? Why does this puny cat have so much power?’ Kikai thought but grinning, ‘I must have it!”. So instead of running like is grandfather and father did before him he took a step forward and into the dark cloud surrounding his opponent.
As the dark cloud surrounded Lynx he are in size and strength, eyes turning dark green, fangs growing to a length of a small sword (not a dagger) and 4 inches thick, claws growing to the length of daggers and 2 inches thick, both able to crush adamant.
Though terrified of his rivals state Kikai forced him self forward wanting whatever power Lynx had. Lynx also took a step forward, now fully transformed, fangs dripping a deadly toxin. With a fast swipe of his giant paw he sent Kikai flying almost to the waters edge.
Rotoga, Sirto, the dragon lords, and the remaining men watched in horror as the fight took place. Unable to take anymore, a young cat boy named Amidumaru went back to watching his charge and hid behind a rock. Aware of the presence Rotoga went over to comfort him, only to be stabbed in the back by Sirto.
Amidumaru screamed as Sirto grabbed him and dropped his charge in front of the bleeding fox. Unaware of the events of the others Lynx and Kikai continued to fight, until Sirto laughed and Amidumaru screamed again. Kikai grinned at Sirto as he mounted on a demon horse. Lynx upon seeing his step-son being kidnapped and one of his best generals betray him he stopped and was hit by a fatal blow. He didn’t go down like Kikai hoped and Lynx hit him with one of his giant paws sword length claws cutting into Kikai’s chest. Badly wounded and irritated of his lose retreated.
Lynx knowing his victory was temporary he retreated back to his normal size and shape. He fell back falling into a deep sleep.
Finally their world was at peace but for how long? As the rain fell the troops gathered the injured and left to the main land Zenshu.
The only one who didn’t want to leave is Rotoga, badly hurt and knowing he would die. Torron, a faun, went to his friends side to pick him up, “no” Rotoga said putting a hand on his friends arm. “Leave me here, but take this.” He said and gave Torron a bundle. “Its Lynx daughter and the first Garrendo since Master Shendu.”
With that said Rotoga looked up and Torron said good-bye to his friend and took the infant.



Chapter 2: 300 years later
It has been 300 years, since the war came to a halt and the demi humans would soon have their question answered; how long will the peace last?
Now 300 in her years, Akira, the bundle Torron took with him was married to a fox-demon named Keita and has two kids, twin boys named Yahiko and Hiko.
One day while taking care of her 4 year olds her father came into the living room. He looked the same age as he was 300 years ago 228(19) years old, but 25 years has past since then and he should be 528 (44). He smiled at his daughter and his two grandsons. Yahiko being slightly older than his twin brother stared at Lynx and then coward away behind Akira.
Akira noticing her son hiding looked to see what he was hiding from and then smiled at her father. “Hi daddy.” She said and Yahiko and Hiko both gasped and looked at Lynx. Akira laughed and told them about Lynx.
Just as Yahiko and Hiko went up to their grandfather Keita came in with his fox ears flat. “Hi Lynx have a good 300 year sleep?”
Lynx stared at Keita as Akira asked him why he looked so irritated. “Who are you?” Lynx asked wary of the fox.
“Keita Kanbara, Akira’s husband.” Keita said a little confused.
“Daddy, why was he asleep?’ Hiko asked tugging on his fathers shirt.
Keita looked down, “I’ve told you before.”
“Akira.” Lynx said
Akira looked at him, “yes?’
“I need with speak to you.” Lynx said not taking his eyes off Keita.
Akira followed her father outside and they took a walk. As they walked through town villagers would stop what they were doing and say it’s good to have you back, master Lynx. When they got to the edge of the ocean they stared at 3 of the 10 islands, they stood in the spot for a long time until Lynx asked “How long has the Fox demon been here?”
“Well” Akira shrugged, “I’m not sure about 9 years. Why?”
“In my dream there were two fox demons one with hair like Keita’s and the others was darker almost black. There is something that’s going to happen in the next 100 years. Our world Areth will be gone.”
“Gone? What do you mean?” Akira said sitting down.
“Destroyed, shrouded in darkness, over run by the demons of the Under-Plain. Kikai may be planning to make Areth another hell hole like Earth has now become.”
“What? That can’t happen. Areth is finally back to her former beauty and her population is reaching the same as it was 1300 years ago.” Akira said a hiss after every word. Lynx chuckled, “what? This isn’t funny.”
“You’re right its not, but that’s where you come in.”
“What? How the hell can I stop what’s going to happen?” Akira said sounding really irritated
Before Lynx could answer his daughter one of the villagers came up to him and told him Amidumaru is back. Lynx immediately got up and left, leaving Akira to her thoughts.
She sighed as a RyuNeko came up to her and sat beside her. She sat there stroking the cat while thinking of what her father meant by ‘that’s where you come in’. She decided to go talk to Dr. Koji for answers.
She got up and headed back to the village, the RyuNeko walking at her heals. As she approached Dr. Koji’s she heard her father and her Half-brother talking.
“Shut up Koji and listen to me I’m not finished.” Amidumaru growled and continued his report. “Kikai has died of his injuries you inflicted on him. Now Jiro has taken the throne and plans something none of us can stop. Areth as we know it will be no more than a black dead planet like Seon has become.”
“What? Seon, when did this happen?” Lynx asked.
“Before Jiro’s brother got married, 4 years ago. Jiro sent these dinosaur like demons there along with two other creatures.”
“Wait a minute. Akira and Keita got married 4 years ago.” Dr. Koji
“Yes I remember feeling it when I was asleep, Torron!” Lynx said and the fawn came in.
“Ah master Lynx good to see you again.” Torron said
“Yes. I’ll talk to you later but I want you to bring me Keita.” Lynx said growling slightly.
Akira gasped and hid so that Torron didn’t see her. After he was gone she went back to listening. Adjusting her brown, cat ears,
“You think Keita is Jiro’s brother?” Dr. Koji asked
“Yes. I knew there was something about him that I didn’t like.”
“What about Akira if she finds out about this….” Dr. Koji trailed off and shuddering, “Oh she’ll be so upset and who knows what she’ll do.
“That brings us to the other issue.” Amidumaru said, sighing. “Jiro wants Akira to become his wife and it was Kikai’s last wish. What are we going to do? Areth is finally back to her old beautiful self, and we can’t afford another war. Not yet, anyway.”
“I agree, but first I need to speak to Keita. Excuse me.” Lynx said walking out just as Keita came up beside Torron.
“You wanted me?’ Keita asked
“Yes. Follow me.” Lynx said.
Keita nodded and the two went off toward the eastern shore. Akira sighed heavily getting Torron’s attention.
“Eavesdropping are we? And to think it was you who said it isn’t nice to eavesdrop.” Torron said scarring Akira a little. “But I guess as the saying goes curiosity killed the cat.”
“That’s not funny.” Akira said walking off.
“Hey I was joking kitty, and what do you mean?” Torron said catching up and walking beside her.
“My name is not “kitty” it’s Akira, and you know what I’m talking about.”
“Actually I don’t know what your talking about” Torron said, “and where you heading?”
“Away for a while I need to think.”
“Oh. Well you can talk to me you know.”
“I know. You don’t remember Curiosity the wolf from the island just north of the eastern shore.”
“Yeah I remember him. Wasn’t he sentenced to death?”
“Yeah you remember why?” Torron thought awhile and shook his head, “he killed Justin because Justin wonder into his barn and found the cages of the Dreikons and the Talitoriks.”
“Ah yes those things. Did they destroy all of them?”
“I don’t know. I hope they did.”
“Yeah, I heard they were hard to kill.”
“Well duh, they were created from DNA from dragons, Kirin. Griffins, Basilisks, and the phoenix.” Akira shuddered at the thought of seeing them.
They walked on in silence for a while until they got to the ferry to go to the crystal dragon island.
Torron sighed and put his hand in the water. “Torron?”
‘Mm?” Torron said looking up
“ What’s wrong?’ Akira asked, a mix of worry and curiosity in her yellow-green eyes
“Nothing just thinking.” He smiled at her. Sensing that he wasn’t gonna be let go he sighed, “I’m just think of Rotoga.”
“Oh, daddy’s buddy?”
“Heh, Yeah. He refused to come back after Lynx defeated Kikai. ‘Leave me here,’ he said ‘but take this.’ Then he sat back and stared at the sky.” Torron closed his eyes.
“I remember that. Aside from Amidumaru, you were the first person I saw. I also remember the screams, but Maru told me to stay quiet.”
“Yeah.” Torron said
“Your father doesn’t know of Rotoga yet.” The ferryman said.
“Really, Kitrei, but why hasn’t anyone told him? I mean since he’s been awake.”
“We will just not yet.” Kitrei said getting out of the boat pulling it ashore. “Here we are. Just holler when you want to come back and ill come get you.”
After Kitrei left, Akira and Torron, went into the forest of the island, and continued their conversation.
That night instead of Keita or Akira telling Yahiko and Hiko the story of the battle, Amidumaru tells them about what happened to him.
“Now boys remember no interruptions.” Akira said and the 2 kids nodded and settled in.
“Its ok, sis. Let them ask questions I don’t mind.” Amidumaru said patting his half-sister on the head.
He yelped as she grabbed his ear and pulled him down so she could whisper in his ear. “I know about Keita. If they find out god knows what they’ll do.”
“Ow let go of my ear. And what do you mean you know?” Amidumaru said and rubbed his ear. “You were eavesdropping weren’t you?”
“Not my fault, I was going to see Dr. Koji.” Akira said “I’m gonna go find Keita.”
Akira left and Amidumaru went to tell the boys his story.


Chapter 3: Amidumaru’s story and the truth revealed

“You guys ready?” the boys nodded, “ok. Since you know about the war 300 years ago ill start off from where I got kidnapped by Sirto and Lynx beat Kikai.” He cleared his throat. “Kikai retreated back to the Under-plains with me hostage. Sirto threw me on the ground when we got to the castle and there I met Jiro Kikai’s first-born son. He watched me as his father was laid down on the table.
“After his wounds were bandaged and fixed he came into the cell I was in and asked me questions, but I never told him anything. Next time he asked he started beating me with any object. Years past and Jiro continued the torture but unlike his father he used weapons like spikes, blades anything sharp. That is where I got al the scars on my chest and back.”
“ What about that?” Hiko said pointing to a gash on Amidumaru’s arm.
“That’s recent, when I escaped. There I was tired of being caged and treated like a human. So transformed myself into a bug and placed a dummy in my cell, to make it look like I was dead.”
“You can transform?” Yahiko asked sitting up
“Sure can.”
“How? Aren’t you a cat demon?”
“Yes I am but not any ordinary cat demon. My father was a snow leopard demon with powers to shape shift. Anyway, it worked and he doesn’t know I’m gone, but if he does it’s going to be a nightmare.” Amidumaru looked at the clock. “You two should go to sleep.”d
“But I’m not tired” Hiko said through a yawn.
“Yes you-” Yahiko yawn, “are.”
Amidumaru laughed as the two drifted to sleep. He later went to find Akira to talk to her. She was sitting in the living room reading. She set the book down and the two talked until Keita came home.
The next morning Akira was up and seeking her father. The villagers said they did not know where he was. Irritated she went to one of the islands.
“Good morning kitty.” A voice said as she approached one of the ferries.
“Hi Torron.”
“Well that’s some hello, good morning.”
“Pff, so what.” Akira said getting on the boat, along with four other people.
Torron also got on and sat by Akira. Being the one who raised her since Lynx was in dormancy and her mom has been dead for years, he could not help but worry. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She turned away and placed her hand in the water.
When they grew closer to the Crystal Island, Akira got out, much to Kitrei’s dislike.
Wading in the water Akira headed to the island, but she couldn’t shake Torron off. When the water got to her knees she turned around, yelled at him, and ran off deep into the forest.
Lynx arrive at Dr. Koji’s after talking to Keita again and asked where Akira was. Dr. Koji was about to answer when Torron came in sat down and got himself something to eat.
“You seem to talk to Akira, have you seen her?” Lynx asked
“Yeah but she’ll bite your head off.”
“Where is she?”
“At the Crystal dragon island.” Torron said
Lynx left and headed for the island. When he got there he looked around. He headed into the forest to find his daughter.
Akira was pacing back and forth talking to the wise elder dragon Tama.
Tama laughed, “If you pace any longer, young one, you’ll create a crater as deep as I am tall.”
“So what,” Said rudely and stopped, “I just don’t get it why couldn’t he tell me instead of father Keita is my husband.” She growled loudly making one of the little ones jump and the RyuNeko hiss.
“I’m sure they had reasons for not telling you.” Tama said
“Another thing, why didn’t Keita ever tell me?”
“Because, I didn’t know how too.” Akira jumped as Keita came up from behind.
“Keita.” Akira looked away and then turned around, “ I don’t want to talk to you go away.”
“No I won’t. We need to talk.” Akira didn’t say anything so he continued. “I was afraid to tell you that I am Jiro’s younger brother and the second heir to the throne.”
“Afraid? Keita we’ve been together for 108 years I’m sure you could have told me.”
“And loose you? No I don’t think so. Akira, look I wanted to tell you I really did but I loved you too much to tell you.” Keita blushed and waited for an answer.
Akira lifted her head to the sky, sighed heavily, and turned around. “ You think I would of left you?” Keita looked down and shrugged “ Keita, I don’t care who you were, you’re still my husband and ill always love you. It’s just I wish you would of told me years ago.”
By this time Lynx had found her and listened. Tama feeling the presence of her master’s grandson she went to talk to him.
“I don’t get it, Tama. He’s an heir to the throne of the Under-Plains and yet Akira still loves him.” Lynx said sighing
“You are wrong to judge him, Lynx. He may be an heir but he is not evil, nor do I feel any evil around him. He is your son-in-law; treat him like one instead of a fugitive.”
“I just can’t believe he is his son.” Lynx said turning around and walked off.
“Come to my cave there is something I must show you.” Tama said in a more harsh tone.
Lynx followed Tama into her cave and showed him her findings. “ What the hell is that?”
“ It is an egg of a Dreikons.” Tama said moving the egg around. “You haven’t heard of the incident that happened 100 years ago.”
“What incident?” Lynx asked picking up the yellow and orange egg.
“A wolf demi-human named Curiosity killed Justin of the centaurs for finding his creations: the Dreikons and the Talitoriks. Dreikons are a dinosaur like creature made from the DNA of a dragon, basilisk, and a Kirin. Talitoriks made from a gryphon, phoenix, and a pegasus. And what’s worse Jiro has taken them.”
“What!” Lynx growled “great! What are we going to do?”
“First you’re going to tell Akira the truth.”
“Truth? No I can’t tell her she’ll get mad and she’s already upset from learning the truth about Keita.”
After a while of persuading, Tama got Lynx to tell Akira who and what she is. The first Universe Protector since Lynx’s grandfather was alive.
That night he called for his daughter and told her everything he knew about her ancestors. She took it well until he told her what she had to do: Go to Earth and back to the year 2012.



Chapter 4: stay or go? Live or die?

Akira screamed after her father told her she had to go to earth and back in time to 2012.
“No I can’t go! I have a life here!” she yelled.
“I know that, Akira, but its either-“ lynx was cut off by a noises.
“What was that?” Akira said wide-eyed.
Both her and lynx took off and the sight they saw, two creatures: one the same color s the egg and the other an ugly bird like creature. One with dripping fangs and claws with blood, the other with an intestine hanging from its mouth.
Akira fell backward and a screeching scream came out of her mouth. Torron, the Fawn who raised her, was dead, Stomach torn open insides out, blood staining the ground.
“No. Torron!” she went to go forward to her guardian but was stopped but her brother. “Let me go Amidumaru.”
“It’s too late Akira.” Amidumaru said turning her around and holding her.
Lynx took a step forward to kill them just as Jiro showed up. Dark hair and looking identical to his father. He grinned at the sight of the blood and guts of Torron.
“ I had a feeling you were here. You tricked me, but no hard feelings.” Jiro said laughing
“Jiro.” Amidumaru growled, in addition, he rose just as Keita showed up. “ I’m gonna kill you.”
“Ha! You a puny cat.” Jiro laughed and walked toward the cat.
However, before he could do anything Amidumaru sent him fly with a fatal blow. Jiro got up without a scratch on him. Bewildered Amidumaru attacked.
As the two fought more Dreikons and Talitoriks arrived and the fight began.
Hours later Jiro disappeared along with the creatures. The village luckily was still standing. Amidumaru went to check on Akira and his nephews. Akira was shaken up badly by the sight of Torron and at the same time enraged. When Amidumaru enter the house Akira was in Keita’s arms shaking and crying.
By the time the moon was high in the night sky Akira was asleep and decisions had to be made.
The next day instead of being the first one up Akira woke to hammering and shouting. She groaned and covered her head with the blanket. Keita walked in just as she curled up into the fetal position. “Hey, you gonna get up?” Keita asked lifting the blanket. She looked at him and buried her face in the pillow. “ Take that as a ‘no’.” he sat down on the edge of the bed as Akira uncovered her head. He put a hand on her shoulder, “ its ok, love, we’ll get our revenge. One way or another.” He leaned down and kissed her, just as Lynx came in. he got up and walked to the door, stopping beside Lynx, “ good luck talking to her. I’ll be back later, love, k? K.”
“How you doing, kiddo.” Lynx asked walking to the bed.
“I’m not a kid anymore, dad.” She said and sat up.
“I know that but you’re still my daughter.” He stroked her head as she leaned on his shoulder. “ I know it’s hard for you right now, and you’re probably madder than hell at everyone and everything, but there is no need to shut out the world, at least not yet.”
She snuggled into his shoulder, “ I know, but he raised me since someone was asleep.”
“ That wasn’t my choice going into that form takes a lot out of you.” They sat in silence for an eternity until Lynx broke it, “ have you decided yet if you’re going?”
“No, not yet I haven’t talked to Keita about it.” she said closing her eyes
Lynx sighed, “ I’ll give you today to think about it. Tonight I’ll need an answer.”
“Ok dad.” Akira said and she lay back down.
Two hours later Keita came back to see how she was doing and Hiko was in the bed sleeping. He chuckled at the sight: Hiko taking up half the bed spread out looking like a star. Akira was woke up by his chuckle and looked at him. “ What are you laughing at?” she got up and walked to him.
“Nothing, just how funny you look,” Keita joked Akira just laughed and wrapped her arms around him.
“Daddy wants me to decide on if I’m gonna go to Earth or not.”
“Are you?”
“I don’t know. Part of me says yes but the other part says no.”
“It’s alright if you do. I mean it’s not like we don’t have ways to communicate.” Keita pulled out his communicator, a small computer type gadget similar to a cell phone, but more complex.
“But I don’t want too.”
“Hey I’ll take care of things here, and I think you should. Go back before all this happened and prevent it.”
“Wait wouldn’t that affect the timeline here?’
“I don’t know. It shouldn’t, aside from having no more war.” Keita said
Akira thought for a while and then grinned, “I’m going to, For Areth, Seon, and Earth.”
“Really?” Keita said sounding a little taken back
“And of course, definitely for us.” Akira said laughing.
“Damn straight.” Keita laughed and kissed her.
That night Akira went to her father and told her she wanted to go. Thus, the next week was spent preparing her for her trip to the past and to Earth. The night before departure her and Keita had time to spend alone, with Amidumaru watching the boys.

My first suggestion: Put spaces between each paragraph. On forums, it’s hard to read them if you just have everything bunched to the side (usually when you post it by copy/paste from a word document--the format doesn’t stay the same when you post it, everything gets jumbled together), so it really helps to keep everything clean and have spaces between the paragraphs.

The second thing I’m noticing is a lack of essential punctuation. In your first sentence, it should either have commas and a semi-colon included, or you should break it off. For example, instead of having:



I would suggest putting:

“As the big, bright moon rose in the sky, the stars twinkled once or twice as if exchanging words about the events that are about to unfold, and the legend that is to be made and placed in the stars.”

That is still a lengthy sentence, however. It might work to take part of the end, about the legend, and make that a separate sentence from the rest. You don’t have to, but otherwise it is borderline run-on. I’m not going to correct the rest of this, but it does need work with the correct comma placement and appropriate semi-colon usage. You might want to try fixing it up, or at least keep it in mind for when you post more of this (I assume there will be more than four chapters.). If you aren’t sure exactly how everything works (nothing to be embarrassed of, if that be the case), feel free to tell me and, if you wish, I can help you with it.

A small note, in paragraph three:

It was just a small typo, but thought I’d point it out. You have a few more in even the adjacent sentences as well. Such as “I’ll” (forgot the ’), and after a quotation you put ‘likes’, which I assume should have been the name of the man, “Lynx”. As far as spelling goes, you don’t seem to be having a problem with it. Just noticing the occasional lapse in correct grammatical use, and the typos, but that happens to everybody.

One thing I do need to point out, however, is in this paragraph (approx. 9, not sure):

The bolded area is the place of issue. When writing anything, unless it is dialogue, avoid the slang that is commonplace and not correct speaking. You hear it all over the place, but it really is not proper and you don’t want to write like that. Instead of using ‘like’, which is used in comparison (ie: she was like stone. It compares two *different* things by saying a woman was “like stone”, as in, she was cold, uncaring, etc.) not saying there is about, approximately, or roughly five hundred soldiers. See what I mean? When you confuse modern slang with your writing, it will not turn out very well, because it will be highly inaccurate in most cases. Actually, scratch that, in all cases, it would tend to be wrong. That’s why it’s called slang, haha...

Another thing (I know this is long, and I do apologize, but I believe it will help), add more description. Right now you are relying heavily on verbal speaking to get the story done for you, and while that works sometimes in certain situations, you really do need more descriptions, and not done entirely by dialogue. You have details after people finish speaking, such as, “he was cut off quickly”, or, “he leaned down”, but that is not enough, at all. Really work on creating a visual image in the reader’s mind so that they can see what your characters are doing, instead of just reading what people say. You add description in what they say, so that is good, but you are lacking a necessary part of any novel: description. Description, description, description. You really need a lot more of it. That’s the flesh and blood of your novel. The dialogue will be the bones, but you’re missing the rest of the body.

It’s not bad so far, but there is a lot you can improve on. Don’t give up on it though. It’s time consuming, but if you want to write a good piece of literature, you need to have everything present and accounted for (paragraphs, correct punctuation, correct spelling, description...All the necessities of a book.).

I don’t mean to sound too harsh, and sorry for making this so long, haha. Hopefully it will be of some assistance for you. Keep it up though, and work on the above stated things, and you should do fine. =).

its not finished yet and i know i messed up in some places but its not finished and im gonna rewrite and stuff but i want to get it finished and reread over it and rewrite it. <()>