Here's a recent Song:


Tomorrow's Suicide

(Strong and Fast)
Petals Fall
To Bleeding Roses
A Single Thorn
Breaks the Skin
Smell of Darkness
Burns Your Noses
But Caresses
Your Burning Skin!

Scarlet Drops
Fall From Your Eyelids
A Single Chance
Frail and Thin
Sounds of Crying
Pierce the Silence
And Bring Out
The Dark
Within!

(Chorus)
(Kinda Slow, but still strong)
Whispers Calling out your Name
Ashen Hands Drawing out Your Shame
Crying Out You're Not To Blame
But this echoed whisper...
Calls for you...
(End Chorus)

(Strongly Sung)
Hart, the Deathbringer,
The End of Tomorrow
Heart, an Empty Shell,
You're Feeling So Hollow
Soft Angels
Kiss Your Fingertips
Quiet Rain Goes
Dripping Down Upon Your Lips
And Brings Out...
The Dark...
Within!

Whispers Calling out your Name
Ashen Hands Drawing out Your Shame
Crying Out You're Not To Blame
But this echoed whisper...
Calls for you...

(Soft)
As You Whisper...
As You Whisper...
As You Whisper----....

Her Broken Voice
Is Calling For You...
You Made a Choice
Now She's Falling Though
Ooo...

Whispers Calling out your Name
Ashen Hands Drawing out Your Shame
Crying Out You're Not To Blame
But this echoed whisper...
Calls for you...
Whispers Calling out your Name
Ashen Hands Drawing out Your Shame
Crying Out You're Not To Blame
But this echoed whisper...
Calls for you...

Calls....
For You...

And a Poem:

Poisonous Dreams

Angels of Mercy
Whispers of Tears
Fangs Bared and Thirsty
Slicing your fears
Hope, End the Shame
Fear, End This Game
Before I fall
To blackened Wings
And Feathers of Charcoal
Soon to be
Poisonous Dreams.

I can actually see your song being sung and actually turning out very well. Was helpful to tell how fast or slow you intended it to be. The general idea behind the poem was good too, though maybe you could have emoted it a bit more, because it sounds a bit mechanical (most of my poetry sounds that way too, so you’re not alone, haha. =).).

Yeah, I really don’t have any other constructive criticism on either of these, which is a shame, but since I really can’t think of anything helpful to say that would make an ounce of sense, I might as well just not say it, haha...=). Maybe someone else will be able to give it to you, otherwise sorry for my lack of helpfulness.

I’d be interested to see more of your poetry/songs as you write them though. =).

Thanks for the reply.
I have tons of more crappish stuff like this on other sites... I just need to hunt them down... >.>

*Looks back at Poisonous Dreams* Yeah... I see yer point. Sometimes I just write poetry when I'm bored, so it turns out like Super Crappy Crud. xD

A new song. =D
Written in fury last night.

Russian Roulette

Does it please you
To see me cry?
Does it please you
To watch me die?
Is there a reason
I'm being buried alive?
Is there a reason
You think this is right?

To hold me down
To beat down
To pummel with your hurtful cries
To bleed me out
To throw me out
And laugh me when I ask why

(Chorus)
No point in playing child's games
No in me being ashamed
What's done is done and there's no repentance
For you
I'll pull the trigger
And scream within here
My shell
My wall
My coffin
Waiting for your all
I guess it wasn't so bad after all.
(End Chorus)

Why do you laugh at me when I cry for mercy?
Why do you grin when I've had enough?
Why do you try to tear me down...?
When I'm struggling for air...

To pin me down
To tie me down
To burn into me with acid rage
To cut me out
To lie about
That didn't mean anything

No point in playing child's games
No in me being ashamed
What's done is done and there's no repentance
For you
I'll pull the trigger
And scream within here
My shell
My wall
My coffin
Waiting for your all
I guess it wasn't so bad after all.

And if I fall... (Down on Earth)
And sleep away (All this burning rage)
From this world (Let me breathe)

And if I burn (Up from inside)
Through all this pain (Your sharp blade)
And you'll know (You'll finally know)
This is my SCREAM!
Scream! Scream! Scream!
It's either
Sink or Scream!

No point in playing child's games
No in me being ashamed
What's done is done and there's no repentance
For you
I'll pull the trigger
And scream within here
My shell
My wall
My coffin
Waiting for your all
I guess it wasn't so bad after all.

No point in playing child's games
No in me being ashamed
What's done is done and there's no repentance
For you
I'll pull the trigger
And scream within here
My shell
My wall
My coffin
Waiting for your all
I guess it wasn't so bad after all.

Give me a reason I the one
Buried alive...
Give my your...
Little white lie.

LOL!

What? ~.`

Spam two posts above, unless I’m mistaken.

Anyway, I think you omitted a few words/ideas in places.



The phrase in question is the third one. What’s he pummeling with?



Second line. I’m assuming it’s “no point in me being ashamed”, “Nothing in me being ashamed” or something along those lines. You do it again in the next chorus. That may be the way you intended it, so I guess all I’d like is clarification on what you meant. ^^

That was it, really. Good work on it. =).

ARGH! ><

He's pummeling with Hurtful Cries! CURSE YOU KEYBOARD!!! CUUURSEE YOUUUU! ><

And it is "No Point" not "Nothing" =)

I thought it'd be 'no point', but 'nothing' would've fit too. Thanks for clearing it up. ^^