Prologue


A soft giggle escaped her dirtied lips. Long, slender fingers—slathered with grime and muck—raked over her tall, crème colored legs. The scars on them that she once thought were horrid and ugly now turned into stems. White, beautiful flower stems, with nary a chance to blossom in this sun-deprived world. Her nails were ragged and shorn, even bleeding from being chewed on by her in the waking hours, and by rats in the resting hours. Long, raven hair lay in tangles, random bits and pieces of it torn out in the heat of the guards’ brutality. Her brilliant emerald eyes sat upon her face, not seeming to see anything as she looked through the bars of her prison, singing a strange little tune.

“Ashes to Angels
Benches to Swings
Rose dusted butterflies
Soaring without wings”

“Oh, no… Refa’s at it again, men…” A complaint from the old man in the cell next to the strange woman resulted in a number of slumbering prisoners rising from their sleep and, in turn, moaning loudly.

“Why can’t she ever just shut her trap?” one of the men complained, running a hand through his greasy, sand-colored hair. “Now I have to try to fall asleep again! Do you know how hard it is in a place that smells like… Like this?” he gestured broadly around the space of Cell Block D. A pathetic bunch of iron cells, packed together in a cement corridor, which seemed determined to continue to hold on to the stench of rotting flesh and human wastes, long after they’d both been disposed of.

“Paupers to Princes
Wenches to Queens
Pink cheeked children
Alive with their dreams”

“Will someone make the girl shut up? Bloody hell…” this time it was one with white-blonde hair and a face that looked ageless, even though, from the voice, he had to be older.

“Leave the child alone, will you, men?” an old woman huffed and turned a sympathetic gaze towards the young woman. “Couldn’t be more than her 20th Century! Show some pity for the girl, would you boys! Back in my day, Chivalry wasn’t dead. You young folks nowadays… I just can’t understand how you can have so much and be so cold-hearted!”

“Demons and Dragons
And all mystic things
Magical Faeries
And Enchanted Rings”

Her strange song continued on, and on, the tune becoming louder and more beautiful, but, for a moment, Refa paused. 20th Century? Had she already been here 5 Centuries already? Again, she giggled, but not a humorous laugh: a strange laugh, one of an insane person. One who had given up all hope for this place and retreated inside herself long ago. Her eyes were glazed over, because that hopeless person was who she had become: An empty shell in this screaming cesspit of doom and death. A place that suddenly fell silent with the resounding noise of the guard’s boots tromping over the cement floor, and echoing to everyone’s ears. Even Refa fell silent, her voice lost with the raw anticipation. Was it her? Had the Death Bringers finally come to take her away?

All was silent in Cell Block D for a moment, no one daring to speak, until one old man lunged forward and reached a bony arm through his cell bars, a throaty voice crying out at the top of his lungs, “Take me with you, you bastards! Let me out of this cell!” it wasn’t long before the others joined in, weeping and screaming, and lunging and begging, all either praying that they were not the ones to be taken, or that they were the ones to go. But the guards turned a deaf ear to all of them, and continued on towards the cell of those about to die.

“It’s a damn shame to lose this one…” the rough voice of one blond guard muttered to his friend, knowing that even about this shouting, that the man next to him would hear what he had said. “She was one of the best prisoners in this Hellhole.”

The other cast his friend an amused stare, his golden eyes showing out from beneath charcoal black bangs. “I’m not exactly sure I want to know what you mean by that, Lio.” He drawled out in a flat tone, causing the other one to laugh and slap the golden-eyed one on the back.

“Well, Myuujin, maybe you would have known if you weren’t at home with the wife and kid all the time, eh?”

“That’s because I intend on keeping the wife and kid with the father. Ryoku just hit his fourth Cen, you know? The party’s next weekend.”

“Really?” Lio raised his pale eyebrows and grinned. “Invite me to the party then, Myuu. I’d like to give my congrats to the kid.” He received no response but a smile, which soon disappeared as they reached their destination, Cell 245. Drawing out the key from his pocket, Myuujin unlocked the cell and called out softly to the prisoner inside.

“Come on, Refa, it’s time to go.” The young woman stood on her shaky legs and grabbed his outstretched hand. Salvation to her world. Praise be to Kurhai! She would soon be out of here for good.

Refa parted her lips and her strange little trill began again as they walked towards the exit, that small, wooden door that seemed to glow with a Heavenly Light today.

“Hart, the Deathbringer,
The End of Tomorrow
Heart, an Empty Shell,
You're Feeling So Hollow”

The halls quieted as they passed, either in a trance from the beauty of her voice, or losing hope that it was them, no one is to say. But not one soul in Cell Block D ever forgot the last line they ever heard from that woman. That insane, tortured, beautiful woman.

“Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
We all…
Fall…
Down…”

I am back to be nit-picky~

Paragraph 1, Sentence 2.



You could probably take out the '-' around 'slathered with grime and muck' and instead put,

"Long, slender fingers slathered with grime and muck raked over her tall, créme colored legs." (though I realize the '´' is supposed to go the other way on creme. Can't figure out how to switch it around though, haha. =p.).


Paragraph 1, Sentence 5.



In this one you could take out the comma after hours. The 'and by rats in the resting hours' is still a part of the prior thought, so you don't need to add the comma to link them together. After you take that comma out, you'd need to add a comma after 'bleeding'. So it'd turn into this:

"Her nails were ragged and shorn, even bleeding, from being chewed on by her in the waking hours and by rats in the resting hours." Not sure if you like the sound of that better than what you had before.


Paragraph 9, Sentence 1.



This is small, but has to do with the commas. You don't need one after "on and on", as you're not trying to say "she sang on, and on, and on", but rather "she sang on and on" (unless I'm just misinterpreting it, in which case please tell me.). The rest is fine.


Paragraph 9, Sentence 7.



Comma again. You don't need one after the 'and' to link the two sentences together. They're still a part of the same thought.


Paragraph 10, Sentence 3.



'It' should be capitalized, as it's not referring back to the quote. Also, when you say 'and lunging and begging', you should take out the 'and' unless you wanted to say "weeping, screaming, lunging, and begging", but with the way you've grouped two of the descriptions together, you should take out the 'and' in between.

Lastly, you should take out the comma before the 'or' to make it "all either praying that they were not the ones to be taken or that they were the ones to go."


Paragraph 10, Sentence 4.



Shouldn't have a comma before the 'and'.


Paragraph 11, Sentence 2.



First question, shouldn't 'about this shouting' be 'above this shouting'?

Second, there are two ways to go around the commas. The first would be to write it as,

"the rough voice of one blond guard muttered to his friend, knowing that even a---- this shouting, the man next to him would hear what he said." (took out 'that' before 'the man next to him," etc.

or:

"the rough voice of one blond guard muttered to his friend knowing that even above this shouting, the man" etc. This way is much more clumsy though, and I'm actually not sure it would work in the first place.


Paragraph 12, Sentence 3.



'He' shouldn't be capitalized as it's saying he drawled his statement, not that he drawled something new in a flat tone.



That's all I have as far as grammar. As for content? I really liked it. It's my cup of tea, shall we say..."the noir". The added poetry was nice as well (I mean the poetry itself, not that you added poetry in with it. >.o). Good work. =).

I really enjoyed reading through this, I have an attachement to Refa already. Please write more

Dragon Brigade: *Shoots herself* *Then shoots commas* And about the "about vs. Above" that was another case of not realizing what I was typing. *Is ashamed*

Nocinderella: Refa just got her ass killed. Might want to watch out with that attachment. =\ She was just a prologue character. She gets mentioned a few times without the story. At least, that's what I'm planning on.

Haha...There's nothing to be ashamed of. If you read through some of the stuff I write/type, most times I'll add commas every other word. Gets horrendous sometimes.

Looking forward to more though. I had thought this was just a short story (most of your other ones, despite saying Prologue, tend to end up as such. =p.), but I'm eagerly anticipating more. Interesting premise to start upon. =).

Short stories? I've never put up any short stories. =\

Noooooo! There was me thinking she was going to be the protagonist Ah well *deattaches*

Nope. The protagonist--Or antagonist, depending on if you like vampires or not--is Refa's daughter! =D Princess Sakaku!

Ashen Loves and Ankarin come to mind. Those are short stories. =p.

Nuu... Those are prologues and unfinished stories. Ashen Loves is something I'm still working on. And Neocarta I've just forgotten about. I just need to turn on some video game music, focus, and Neocarta will be a short story no longer! =D

Ashen Loves... That could take a bit more work... ^^U

Ah. When you first started them, I thought they were supposed to be continued, but the way you left them, I figured they were just short stories. That was my bad. =).

Anyway, sorry for being slightly off-topic.

Off topicness is fine. =D
I'm sooo used to randomness on another forum! xD

Me like! And vampires? Never read any vampire books personally, but I have watched movies. Anyways, this should be interesting. Definitely awaiting the 1st chapter and more.

Well, the first chapter is like a new born child. It's painful to get out. ><
It might take a while, and possibly suck ass.