Still working on this poem, I'm trying to weave out a full story within it. It will be separated into different parts, each pertaining to a different mood and tone. However, it is all interwoven in a single story, an individual's struggle with melancholy. Here's the first part.

Part 1
This brief world
no longer has a
place in my heart
I am bored;
As I fall
deeper into the abyss
I no longer feel,
I no longer care
All worries disappear
from my heart; As
if I'm repeating
from where we started.
Returning to zero,
a place of which
return is impossible.

however, my soul is defiant,
i will resist!
As as my heart remains
I shall resist!
Death is no longer one of my worries.
i am no longer chained by hesitation,
I am free...

It’s definitely a good start. =). To me, the emotion conveyed in the first part were his de-sensitivity (no longer really caring about anything, etc.), but that he would accept death without “giving up”, rather than just not caring about it at all. Sort of like he’s in a depression, though not succumbing to the actual depression and just accepting that it’s there. If that sort of makes sense. >.>.

Anyway, that’s just what I got out of it. It gives off this vibe of loneliness. Looking forward to the rest of it. Good work. =).

Here's part deux, wrote when I was bored in math class.

---------------

Yet this freedom is overrated
I am free yet at the same
time, I am restricted
from experiencing absolute liberty.
This world is a lie,
an infinite sham.
Deceitful, contemptuous, pretentious fools!
Why do treat the world like a whore!
She is a pure maiden.
blessed, immaculate, a mere virgin.
Yet you wish to taint her with
yorur lies; your desires are the
blackest of the them all.
Your domain, your sovereignty, your rules
mean nothing to me.
I shall destroy this world.
this world of treachery.
this world that which you created.

I shall burn it all.
Your lies, your treachery, your deceit.
I shall save her,
that precious maid you seek to corrupt.
You who are with me; you alone
shall bear witness to this world's destruction,
for it is through destruction
that she will have salvation.
I shall save her.
Will you join me?
Will you watch the world burn with me?
As society tears itself apart,
will you stay by my side?
The path may be uncertain,
but there is only one thing for sure.
There is no return home.
Only the world's end.

The end is nothing to be
frightened of.
Everyday we worry about
being incomplete.
The void takes away your pain,
your anxieties,
your frustrations, everything!
For that is the abyss,
a calamitous paradise.
You cannot escape it, for it is the end
To which we all seek.

End to part deux.

I think I like this part a lot more than the previous. Humanizing the world and making analogies of it as being a virgin, etc., added a lot of color and depth to the poem in my eyes. Overall I'd have to say the imagery was very concise.

Good work on it. =).

I over extended myself a bit in the last installment, it's a little short but here's Part three.

______________________________________


Yet what us it that I seek?
I have wandered across this place,
for too long.
Yes, I am a wanderer
Yet I cannot help but ponder
on all that I have done.
this world may be built upon lies,
but it is the world that
she lives in.
Is destruction the correct path to take?
Have I been wrong from wrong from the
beginning?

Just a little thing, but in the last line you repeat “wrong from” twice.

Anyway, I read it again as a whole (with parts one and two), and it fits well together. =). Starts out in despair/boredom, changes to anger and showing the reason of the despair, then rests in the memory of someone else, which seems to calm down the thoughts of the narrator and (possibly?) give him some sort of hope, something to cling onto.

Nice work. =).


Were you planning on including more parts to this, or is it finished?

Right now I'm in hiatus, especially since school work is piling up. Hopefully during vacation I can add more, but I haven't touched this since I posted it here.