This was a bit of an experiment, thought I'd try something new for variety. Just wrote it spur of the moment (like the last few things I've written.). Comment if you'd like.


Edit: Key to Understanding

There are only two people in this. The first does not speak; he has duel thoughts. Italics represent his unstable side, whereas plain text like this represents his "rational" side. And again, he's thinking these things, he doesn't say anything out loud.

The second person actually speaks, thus "quotation marks" are around what he says.

And if it doesn't make sense after you've read it six times, that just means it was never meant to be. =(.






====Willpower====


I can't take this anymore...

Yes you can. Just a little longer. That's all, just a little longer.

I can't. I can't. Watching him up there, I just can't.

It doesn't matter, you can take it.

How can I? Look at him; parading through the room, pretending everyone likes him.

So? Are you jealous?

Damn, maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I just don't want to see him ever again.

Come on. You don't have to watch. Ignore him.

It's just so hard. He's coming this way, he's spotted me. What do I do?

Can't leave. Have to sit here. Just ignore him, drink your drink. Look, Rachel's coming. Just wait, he'll go-

No he won't, no he won't, don't you see? Didn't see me, only saw her.

No, no. He hasn't seen her yet. Distract him, send him elsewhere.

Can't, you moron. He's coming over here to be chummy, he's coming over here for her. Damn, if he-

He won't. He won't. Just keep calm.

"Hey."

Hey? Is that all you have to say to me, you freak?

Don't get mad. Don't let him get you mad.

"Hey, is that your sister?"

I knew it. I knew it I knew it I knew it. You bloody-

Keep. Calm.

"Pretty cute, isn't she?"

I'm not talking to you, you freak. You can go burn in Hell.

"Hey, man. Don't get mad. I'm just saying your sister's a cute girl. Hey...Hey! Don't hit me, man. I'm sorry, I'll go. I just wanted to introduce myself to her, I didn't mean to get you upset. ...What are you doing with that? Woah! Man...Put the gun down. Put it down. See, I've got my hands up. I'm not touchin' you or your sis...Wait...She's your girl? Hey man, I didn't know. I'm sorry, I won't touch her, I'll go! I said I'll go---Hey!"

Damn right you'll go. Straight to Hell.

...O_o...

Totally ##### awesome.

The;

"speaker 1"

"speaker 2"

Thing works kinda ok if there's a conversation between two people but as soon as the third joins in it's really, really confusing. I had to read it over three times before I understood who was saying what and well, you don't want your reader having to do that. 'nother thing is that I, personally, dislike it if people come up with 'dramatic' events without the reader being introduced to the character. If it's an prologue or intermisson thing, 'ok', but as a single piece, I'm sorry, but I do not consider it entertaining.

@Kestrel:

There are only two people in the whole piece. The italic lines are the main character's unstable side, whereas the plain lines are where he tries to calm himself; his "rational" side. I put them in separate lines to help identify with that, instead of making it one wall of text, where no one would follow it. The dialogue is said by a different person entirely; the person who is the main character doesn't say anything through this whole thing, you only know his thoughts, and the only description is given through the spoken word of the newcomer, or through the thoughts of the main character's unstable side.

This was more of a short story, too, not a prologue or anything. It wasn't my intent to make people know background or anything; it's only a short scene through the perspective of a killer. It's basically showing the emotion up to the event and the progress he goes through to make him come to the conclusion, whether it was rational or not. It's internal character development.

In my mind this took place in a bar, with the killer at a far table in the corner, waiting for his girlfriend to come out of the bathroom. In the meantime, he saw someone who he thought of as competition, and when the woman was coming back to the table, the newcomer saw her and became interested. The rest is self-explanatory; newcomer was seen as hostile (though he really wasn't, not enough to be shot) and killed.

I do appreciate the feedback though! I can understand if it's not really something you're interested in, especially the way I set it up. But thank you for giving a comment. =).


And thanks for your comment as well, Denim. I appreciate it. ^^

Three reads and I'm still wrong ;p

Haha...I guess I should probably try to do something to make it clearer (though, from my perspective, I don't see how...Maybe just an explanation before-hand of what's going on?), but I guess either you'd get it or you wouldn't after reading it...=/.

That was basically poking fun at myself mind you ;p

As for making it clearer, I suppose you could make clear about what text indicates the unstable side, which the stable side and which the other person. You can keep the format, just change a little during the first two sentences and when the other guy starts talking.

Well, it also goes against me too, because if it's hard for a reader to follow, it would thus would be critique against my writing. =P.

I've decided to just put a fun little "key" at the beginning, because otherwise I'm afraid I'd ruin what I wrote (or change it for the worst, or whatever).

I wouldn't worry so much about it DB, I understood it just fine. To be honest I thought it was pretty damn funny until you said that the guy was a killer. Through my eyes I saw it as the person being the girl with the guy coming up to your main character. I found it funnier that way at least, imagining an unstable girl who didn't want to deal with any guys hitting on her in the bar, so her unstable side came out with the gun.

Obviously that wasn't your intention, but I think its a nice kind of 'short story' where someone can read it and make their own interpretation of it. That's how I feel about the thing anyway when it comes to ambiguous kind of writing. As for going through the story, I thought between the two 'thoughts' it lead up well to an obvious conflict, leading to the other guy actually talking. Nice piece, I personally prefer it as an unstable chick being a little overzealous in defending herself but all the same...cool stuff.

Lol! That made my day. xD. I read through it again, and I guess it just depends on whether you think of the main character as a girl or a guy. If it's a guy, then he's overprotective, if it's a girl, she's overzealous. xD. I always seem to make my main characters guys (with no idea why), even though I am a girl. But that actually gives me an idea for how to write my next one...(and the speculation begins!)

Anyway, thanks for the comment, Exire. I appreciate it. ^^.

I thought it was a girl too.

But mostly, I did the same thing earlier with Consensus, and I really liked seeing someone else who dabbled in almost absolute minimalism with story telling.

I guess that's the joy of this type of writing, haha. It seems so weird to me to think of it as a girl since I wrote it as a guy, but it's pretty funny the other way around. Ah well.

Thanks for all the comments, I really really appreciate them. ^^